I was my genius idea not to bring a coat to a coastal resort in a mini-hurricane. As I started to turn Scotsman Blue we went into the only clothes shop nearby; a shack that looked like it been cleaning up after a tsunami. I left sporting the worst quality fleece and hat combo but it just about kept Mr Hypothemia at bay.
But at least I had nosebagged earlier in a tapas bar so now, warmer, needed a bean hit to wake me from my post-prandial torpor. I looked like a man of penury in my garb of East European Jumble Sale chic so a posh cafe was not on the cards.
So we stumbled upon Nati’s Cakes near a wall that was caked in a plague of earwigs and small flies. Maybe some sort of entomologist’s convention was in town so I feared the place would be chocca. But no – it was as dead as my chances of winning Slimmer of the Year.
We didn’t ask if Nati was around but there certainly wasn’t an abundance of cakes. In fact I’ve seen more provender in an Ethiopian bakery. Yeah it was during Covid and we were the only punters but maybe they should have changed the sign to just ‘Nati’s’?
The staff, glad to see another human being, were happy to see us. A friendly lady with huge canine teeth dressed in a black track-suit took our order. She smiled before staring intently at my neck as if she liked the taste of blood or was planning performing an impromptu tracheotomy on me.
I visited the latrines which were a bit whiffy and had more lost tiles than a NASA Space Shuttle. The lock was dodgy though and I got walked-in by an ursine waiter with a Tom Selleck tash. Luckily his day was not made as at least I wasn’t sin pantalones. He was keen to clean though and went in there after me to wipe everything down – maybe due to Covid or perhaps having expected me to have destroyed the toilet. With my form, the latter is a fair assumption and if my Spanish was better would have advised him to go in there doubled-masked.
This building looked like it had been either assembled very quickly or it was a former used-car showroom. Not exactly comfy but as least my ears were now in defrost mode. The chairs were plastic but adequate and it was all perched on astroturf for some reason. Perhaps the customers get the urge for a quick game of five-a-side from time to time?
Anyway the waiters (Magnum and Vampira) had found is some choccy doughnuts which tasted good as were the lattes we ordered. We chewed and stared out to the sea watching the palm trees bent over in the same shape as a couple of pensioners that shuffled past.
As we left another English couple entered; he looking like he was capable of organising a cock-fight behind a disused warehouse, she a pachyderm with a crumpled face like she had been hit by a reversing bread van. They ordered in the most Lancastrian-Spanglish they could muster before sitting in silence and blinking towards the horizon. I’ve never been very good at eavesdropping mutes so decided to leave.
We waved to the staff and made for the door. I wondered what Vampy thought of my fleece and was it as sharp as her teeth?
Good: Sea-view, friendly staff
Bad: A bit of a Tupperware feel, lack of cake, may need garlic to fend off the staff?