As I exited Haymarket railway station I was accosted by STV who were filming interviews and asking for views about ScotRail. Strange they picked me as I am one of those people who has a face for radio and a voice for the deaf. Some swearing and mumbling to camera later, I lugged my bags to a cafe across the road where the ‘o’ in the signage had a small line either side of it. I assumed it was to make it look more exotic and therefore must be at least one beardie in there.

And there was. The old hipster standards were present; wooden floor/ tables, dangly lights, artisan cakes on the counter and plants abound. Yawnster. The most interesting thing was the ornate Moorish-style counter in front of metro tiling but the staff behind it were not interesting or interested even – a youngish girl with a face like a crumpled crisp packet and a bewhiskered male with the personality of a tea towel. Both dead-eyed automatons waiting for 4pm so they can go home and watch Netflix for 9 hours.

Still a few attractive items in a glass cabinet on the counter caught the eye, mainly fig cakes, salads and plant-based oddities. They also did porridge but then I expect to find that everywhere in Scotland along and with Irn-Bru, Tennants and Tunnocks. 🙂

Nomad is quite small so not ideal for sitting with suitcases but I grabbed table at the back blocking the staff doorway and the toilet which made me happy for a few minutes. I got the attention of one of the uninterested droids and ordered a latte which was pretty bonza and a gluten-free white lentil and cauliflower pancake which was bob-on and healthy an’ all.

I had also ordered a cake but then noticed they were used as sort of a runway for an squadron of bluebottles. I suppose the staff could pass them off as Eccles cakes if they were awake. Shortly my teddy bear cake arrived which bore a creepy icing face and reminded me of the cover of artwork for Donnie Darko. Oh and it tasted like a sanitary towel covered in cocoa so I probably won’t be recommending that one.

A sixty-something lady with a monobrow sat near me and chatted as she could see I was trying to work and that I needed distracting. FFS. Oh well, she was friendly enough so I listened to her tell me about how her son works on an oil rig and that she was making a patchwork quilt. She then asked me to help her with the last few clues on her crossword puzzle which I did in double-quick time.

There were no flies on me you see, they are all on the fig cake.

Verdict: 3/5

Good: Some good and interesting food

Bad: Zombies, space, what’s been crawling on your cake?