When I arrived I needed to make use of the facilities before ordering as the food over the Christmas period was deciding to make an appearance at the business end (OK I know – TMI). As I got the toilets upstairs, an annoyed member of staff was walking past me carrying a bucket. Not sure if she was using that to clean with or vomit into for the both toilets had been Jackson Pollocked by some dirty feckir. I decided I was not that desperate (and gestate my bébé marron a bit longer) and headed back downstairs.

I sat perusing the menu whilst considering the identity of the scat-painters of the faecal artwork and it didn’t take long to put number two and number two together. A group of bawdy men in high-vis jackets were tucking into their breakfast. I closed my eyes and guessed what they are eating. Six full Englishes? I was not wrong. They shouted and swore as you would expect and annoyed the other diners. They were going out later after work to the pub as you’d expect. Turds of a feather, flock together.

These men may have been unreconstructed but the cafe wasn’t; it has had a total refit and is much better for it. Upstairs the toilets looked like they haven’t been updated since the Queen’s Elizabeth’s coronation. And I mean Elizabeth I.

This cafe used to be called ‘McCormack’s’ and was run by the same people for 30 years and was once visited by Robbie Williams’ dad apparently. It wasn’t great but it used to do porridge which was useful for a healthier breaker. No more sadly but there are some good things on the menu (they do a decent omelette unless some cafes I could mention).

Furniture is not that comfortable (benches are not a boon in a caffs in the main) and the service can be lacking at times. On some occasions the food has been wrong and/or cold. This time it was fine, and having been served a reasonable latte and omelette, I tried not to watch the runny-nosed old man in front of me ogling the women behind the counter.

They do events here now here such as comedy nights and open mic spots. I went to one once that showcased some of the worst comedians I’d ever seen and the bar staff short-changed me twice in a row!! And then it turned out that the MC was a paedophile and has appeared in all the newspapers. And to think we shook his hand! I hope we washed our hands afterwards.

So overall there is some good nosh here but the best thing about this place is that the waitresses. They are much hotter than the food.

Verdict: 3/5

Good:

Eye-candy.  Decor. Events.

Bad:

Comfort. Service. Toilets