When you need a coffee, sometimes your options are limited. I stopped in Ellesmere, Shropshire for a snackette and found that this place looked the best option between this and a small greasy spoon up the main drag.

The café was not exactly spacious but I found a table and logged onto the wifi. The access code was so long and complex that you get the impression they would rather you didn’t use it but it was fast once I got on.

I ordered at the counter where a troll-like lady in her forties barked at me ‘We’re closing at 3.30!’ It was 2.50pm and I felt like I was putting her out. Her face reflected the mood of the establishment – sombre and dull with a pervading sense of ‘I can’t be arsed’.

I ordered a poor latte and didn’t bother eating (although there was gf options and the home-made cakes looked passable) thinking if they can’t be bothered then why should I? The customers looked as fed-up as the staff. There was some music playing but too quietly but you could imagine there would be just sound of a clock ticking otherwise. It felt more like we were at a funeral sitting solemnly around a coffin than having an enjoyable experience in a café. Some of the punters looked they had just climbed out of a coffin or were due to head into one.

The most exciting thing about the Coco Coffee Bar was the sticker in the window. Visually it was magnolia walls with very little to look at bar a couple of menus. Furniture was light oak and looked like it was bought in 1987. Nothing of note to keep you interested in the interior. I suppose it was called ‘Coco’ but maybe ‘Cocoa’ is better as it has the same affect on you as the drink. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Or maybe just called it ‘Cafe Yawn’ or just ‘Meh’.

‘How I dearly wish I was not here’ was a line famously sang by Morrissey. I think he must have been to the Coco Café.

I should Coco! Or perhaps not.


Verdict: 2/5


Insomniacs can get some shut-eye.


Service, Atmos, Decor