You might assume that the only time I would visit an establishment with a name like this, it would be to roll a heavy black ball down a channel at ten skittles. Sorry I meant to say ‘pins’ but I was in a sweet mood/mode as me and my partner pushed open the heavy door (keeps out the weaklings) and go into a ‘healthy venue’ (by which I mean it does not sell pies).

I wondered how busy it would be on a Monday morning for breakie – imagining lots of the beautiful people, the gym bunnies, lots of body-conscious, at least quite a few gay men, students even?

Once inside, we were barely looked at let alone greeted warmly. We ploughed on and examined the menu board above the counter, trying to fathom out how the ordering works and what was on offer.

It was a little akin to a morgue and was dead save for a small number of semi-comatose but industrious twenty-somethings behind the counter chopping and pouring things into boxes. Oh and there was the owner, Jason, who was about as warm as an eskimo’s ringpiece.

So we couldn’t get any actual contact with a human and were grunted towards an ordering station. We managed to order some breakfast items though the novelty of healthy and automated was already wearing off.

So the bowls then. You basically get one filled with stuff like veg, seeds and hummus etc, soup or smoothies. We opted for a porridge bowl and a cacao bowl (for my sweet tooth) and a couple of White Americanos. The bowls were quite tasty but the berries in them were colder than Walt Disney and meant that I had to keep the bowl next to my drink to get it to a temperature where I dared bite into it without losing the front row of my teeth. I wondered if Shaun Ryder, Joe Jordan and Shane Macgowan had been in here once…

The toilet, capacious and accessible, would have been great if it wasn’t covered in slash, presumably from one of the zombied male staff who seemed to have trouble controlling his penile sprinkler system.

As we left a couple of Chinese tourists arrived looking a little lost – maybe they wanted the railway station or possibly they were looking for grains and nuts from a bunch of unfriendly mutes – if so then they’d come to the right place.

Some chilled music was being played but it felt like we were sitting in a doctor’s waiting room and hanging around for our number to be called. The wifi worked fine and at least there was a large aerial photo of Bondi Beach on one of the walls but it felt more like we were in an industrial estate in Accrington than Down Under.

According to their website, this place is endorsed by Gabby Logan. I didn’t realise that TV presenters enjoyed the non-service of Neanderthals, using urine-soaked bogs and having their teeth broken by granite-hard blueberries but I live and learn.

Verdict: 2.5 /5

Good: Range of healthy options, wifi

Bad: Atmos, staff, cold food