The sky was blubbing and we were getting wetter than an oyster’s snorkel. So we tried to dive into the Fort Cafe, a mediocre looking venue over the road from the seafront with attached ice-cream parlour.
Only we had to stand at the head of a line of impatient would-be punters waiting for the rope across our path to be removed like we were trying to get into some VIP nightclub. It was Hobson’s Choice for us all; get soaked or go in here so we sodden mannequins, after getting the attention of a zombie waitress, were admitted to the chagrin of our queue-mates.
We got parked on a large solid round table and shook ourselves like wet labradors. Through the window I saw our impatient friends drift away presumably to find towels and alternative scoffage. Since there was an abundance of free tables we can only imagine the staff were oblivious or indifferent to the loss of revenue.
It was evident immediately that this was a place for VOPS (Very Old People) rather than VIPs; the majority were old biddies (do young biddies exist?) shouting at ‘Gladys’ before rising slowly before forgetting why they had moved in the first place.
We squinted at the menu which had the usual sandwiches, pastries and scones (for the tourists). As we perused, a gammer picked her nose enthusiastically with her left hand as she scraped her plate with her right. She then stood waving her arms vigorously at her friends across the cafe before becoming very tired at all the effort – Magnus Pike had to rest.
The room itself could not provide much excitement anyway. There was nowt murally bar a few grainy old photos of Sidmouth from the 1920s, probably when most of this lot were planning their 40th birthday parties.
The waitress finally arrived in the form of a massive woman resembling a small houseboat. She was polite despite having a bit of a sniffle presumably having stood in front of an open refrigerator for too long. ‘Er Indoors ordered whitebait and me a jacket potato for £7.50 after I’d verified that it was not made of gold. We acknowledged that these are not pensioner-friendly prices so this crowd were presumably the more well-healed of the town’s elders.
A zombie waiter brought us our nosh promptly but with no cutlery – a halfwit in three quarter length trousers, assuming we were going to eat our food with our hands. The food was meh but at least we weren’t getting drowned outside. A few drenched over-50s appeared through the door after queueing for ten minutes before being summarily told the kitchen was now closed. The group left shaking their heads with one mumbling that he had boxed in the army as a youth – not sure if this was an idle threat but putting some of the staff onto the canvas wouldn’t have helped wake them up.
I made for the latrines only to find the urinal was fixed so high up on the wall that unless Richard Osman regularly nips in to point Percy then it is Pointless (sorry).
So we decided to pay and leave now feeling uncomfortable sat with among these Saga Louts. A Latin stunner appeared with the bill which could have cause a few cardiac arrests for the males present if they’d survived the shock of the bill in the first place of course.
Verdict: 2.5/5
Good: Latin stunner. Possibility of seeing basketball players in the gents’ toilet.
Bad:
Food meh. Overpriced. Undead waiters.
OMG – I went here about 5 years ago and it WAS full of old ladies :))))))))))))))))))))))
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Hi Dave – I went to college with you – do you remember me? Anyway weirdly I also went to this place last year and it is pretty much as you say but do you exagerate a bit lol?
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How I would love to be by the sea even if this place is not so good? But a crap cafe in a seaside town is better than a good one in a city miles from the sea IMHO. xx
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Your reviews are funny and well written but I have to say the poor businesses that you give a kicking too – their families will be affected if too many people read your reviews and take notice of what you are saying. You need to be more positive please with respect and love.
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I live locally and am not happy with your review actually
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wot a place the town is but better places come on mate
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well i went there the other day and it peed doon all day but thought about coming in ere but nah it was full of old women crumbs
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Nah, not in that colour!
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It’s a friendly place and one I do frequent on occasion and yes there’s an older crowd but by jimminy you exaggerate a bit laddy
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yeh it’s a bit old hat luv but your near the sea so wots notta like?
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Love the see air here but can be blinking windy there sometimes. Like this place IMHO quite good.
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A great place to be
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I couldnt het it but i fort for it lols
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Bit of a mixed experience really… upon arrival it was quite empty and a very friendly and helpful lady took our order and all was well in the world… but then it rained heavily and clearly people passing came in to shelter and have a coffee to wait it out.
Wife ordered a hot chocolate and mince pie and I went for a cappuccino and bowl of cheesy chips (very Christmassy).
Reasonable price and prompt service – but our friendly original waitress was replaced by a not particularly friendly younger woman who was literally covered in dog hair and had just come from the kitchen area which put us off massively.
Apparently the ice cream in summer is superb here but other than that there are other places on the Esplanade that do it just as well with friendlier staff.
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Very cup tea out of date cake try to sale me Not happy would I go there again not for the cakes Staff friendly but I felt let by out of date cake
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We are a family of 7 adults and 2 toddlers. We arrived and asked for seating for us all. The waitresses showed their absolute horror at having to seat and serve us. They then took ages to come over to take our order. Obviously the owners of this business would be absolutely horrified because we were very close to leaving. If you can’t do the job with a smile then don’t work in hospitality! Miserable staff.
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The food was very good great tasty breakfast big portions at very good price staff were pleasant only 1 little problem did not open until 10 am so if going out for the day you go hungry or go out late
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I have turrets syndrome – get it? Fort, turrets? lols
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Well this was one of those places we found early morning in the rain a bit like yourself but all in all we found it OK. It was full of oldies too as you say and you did make us laugh (me and the OH) as we remembered our great hols. Love to all on here xxx
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Nip in here for a read of the paper and a bun from time to time but only if everywhere is busy so it’s good as a backup but that’s it
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Crap. End of.
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Went here with my grandparents and even they didn’t want to stay!!!! Better places in town deffinately but love the review
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after a early morning walk this was an ideal place for coffee & cakes Very happy ladies providing a good service Very buzzy place with groups of cyclists & walkers Great location Would certainly visit again when next in Sidmouth
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We had 2 icreams. One was chunky ginger and the other honeycomb. The worse ice cream we have ever tasted! Very, very sweet and NO flavour at all. I suppose it was made from powdered milk. Never again.
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Sounds crap – I doubt many people have ‘fort’ over this cafe lol geddit?
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I fort you would not do that gag 🙂
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Rubbish – I’ll say it again,,,.
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Not my scene – just don’t get whyya’d go?
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Sea – tick, sea air – tick, weirdoes – tick lol. Love the review but have you been lately?
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