I was in here again. Why I don’t know. Maybe the millions of McDonald’s punters could have explained it to me? Was there an addictive substance in the cheeseburgers I wondered as we sheepishly scoffed our late-night Big Macs alongside the shift-workers, pimps, piss-heads and druggies.
I gawked at a group of tracksuited chaverati huddled around the plastic tables; they looked like they had just committed an armed robbery or were planning their next one. There is always one of the group, like an alert meerkat, scanning the windows and doors for the rozzers or a rival gang.
I sometimes use the simile to describe promiscuous women thus: “She was as dirty as a McDonald’s toilet” but tonight there was a young girl in there with a mop. I’m was sure it would be grim soon enough after cleaning but it will still be better than some of the floors of Burger King I’ve seen recently. Then I noticed an brown object on a bit of the floor she had yet to wipe. I’m wasn’t sure if it is solidified barbecue sauce, trodden-in gingerbread, or a flattened turd. I looked at the menu for conformation perhaps it was rogue patty out of a Tennessee Stack?
McDonalds, especially if you are on a budget or drunk, always seems like a good idea before you eat it and a very bad one afterwards. Invariably your toilet and botty will not thank you unless you’ve gone for the small bag of apple pieces. For me, a large milk shake makes my stomach bloat to the size of the O2 Arena in ten minutes flat. Well, not flat. And I could hold a series of U2 concerts in there and charge the punters £120 a ticket. Now there’s an idea….
Anyway I needed serviettes so I walked around the bored wan-faced Deliveroo drivers looking like they’d not been near a vitamin for months. I then dodged a group of Hoodies; whenever I see a gang of them I sing to the tune of the Goodies theme: ‘Hoodies. Hoody Hoody Scum Scum’. Only not too loud of course. I don’t want to a blade in my back before I tuck into my chicken nuggets.
Verdict: Before 5: After 1
Good: Cheap scoff
Bad: Gangs. Toilets. Your toilet when you get home.
I love your writing. You don’t pull any punches do you? Not sure if you like McDonald’s or not?
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I do but it doesn’t like me…
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Oh Crewe. What a town it is.
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Love you writing too but are you a snob?
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I think you are real snob – dont u know that people on shift go in here?
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The answers you are looking for are: No and Yes.
I think you are probably shiftless though?
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You are very funny – I know you write this stuff quick but maybe you should try and get it in the papers like?
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I agree your writing is good – a bit stuck up but tongue in cheek?
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Chav bashing again? I just hope no gyppos ever turn up lol!
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Prefer Burker King
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If that an Islamic chain?
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You are a funny writer but I have read thru your ‘reviews’ and you are more content with savaging people than reviewing the food?
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Sounds fair to me 🙂
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It’s gonna close soon! You will miss it when it’s gone!
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not so nice there yak
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I remember the Goodies! lol love it
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I would never go in somewhere like this but it is good to see how the other half lives lol
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Are you having a laugh?
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Old McDonald. He had a fart. Oh, it was me after I’d eaten there…
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Did you follow thru?
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Crap food but god I miss it
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Grim good and punters mate.
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Goody goody scum scum! Lol
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God I miss this place – where’s my burger!
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Miss this place- drug dealers and all
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Missing me big macs big style bro
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I am gagging for the breakfast!!!
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Yep gang members and loonies in there but where ya gonna get them nuggets?
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Bloody McDonalds! Where is Shake Shack and Honest Burger?
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Soon my precious!!!! Funny review mate too.
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big mac NOW!!!
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Burger King is coming!!!!
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Had a deliveroo but the fried were a bit cold – still it was GOOOOOD
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MAC MAC MAC!!!! xxx
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BK Forever – but until then
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Been a few times recently and the fries have been crap and the burgers a bit iffy – get it right people!
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Scooby Doo toys at the moment yey!
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Long queues for this crap food? Count me in lol
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The usual shit food but who cares as it’s all crap everywhere anyway
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Big big queues – I waited 25 minutes the other day
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Why?
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Missed Maccies but now I am utterly sick of it
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