I was quite glad I managed to find somewhere. I was to visit a cafe called Juliet’s but as I sat briefly, was a bit cramped feeling like I was sat in the trash compactor in Star Wars. So I made my way to Hatton’s in the historic Pantiles part of town which is an interesting area; there is red plaque nearby celebrating the famous dandy Beau Nash who was the Master of Ceremonies in Tunbridge Wells. Whatever that is…

I firstly needed the boggage which was fine and modern but the bin was on top of the toilet; either the cleaner had forgot to put it back or they have a polterguist.

I got a nice table at the back and logged onto fast wifi without issue. I ordered some breakie and took in the surroundings and fellow slurpers who were mostly successful looking and middle-class. Huddles of well-dressed women, either have dropped off their snotty brats or have sneaked out of their law-firms for a crafty cappuccino. A youngish attractive girl wearing tatty gilet glued to her phone picked at something that looked like prunes, obviously bought from M&S or somewhere, in between slurps of her coffee and screen-prodding.

As it’s an old building, it felt a bit different inside though typical artisan. There’s the usual brickwork and mirrors and a few meshy shelves with baskets. Wooden chairs and tables with tall chairs in the window and stools at the walls. A few furnishings are sold on the shelves such as cushions and candles and you can buy some of the lamps. A big blackboard displaying where each blend of Monmouth Coffee comes from was a dominating feature. There is an array of clocks on the walls too and plenty of interesting lamps drooping from the ceiling.

There was quite a good vibe with stuff like David Gray playing at a decent volume. The staff are efficient, friendly and are actually awake! They served me a decent latte and a great porridge (fruit compote, honey and seeds) with a bit of GF toast.

A couple of thirty-something chaps came in, hatted and overdressed, and I wonder if they were related to Beau Nash. I stood out, as the nearest I get to being dandy is zipping up my flies and wiping the brown sauce from the sleeve of my shirt.

A waiter dropped a glass container filled with strawberry jam though it wasn’t his fault. A gilet woman, still engrossed in her phone, had knocked the guy en-route to the can. She apologised profusely and offered to pay for the damage. He refused and the efficiently tidied-up so well I had to check he wasn’t Japanese. Initially the cafe was redolent of a crime but after ten minutes of forensic cleaning it was spotless. Just then the lady returned presumably having released a black otter to the river. Her face looked a bit odd, like she had been deep sea-diving and surfaced far too quickly. But she looked very pleased with herself so maybe she had been constipated. Perhaps the prunes had worked.

Verdict: 4/5

Good: Coffee, decor, service, food, staff, location

Bad:  Toilet was not ready to use. Needs more art on the wall.